Monday, May 9, 2011

Easter, Kirill's Birthday, & Mother's Day...(and throw in a tornado)

The last three weeks have probably been some of the hardest to endure since we returned from Russia. I thought it couldn't get any harder, but with important dates come tidal waves of emotion for which I cannot prepare my heart.

I'm a therapist.

I know about dates and the significance they play in the grieving process.

Only we cannot grieve.

We are stuck.

We're in this weird suspension between the best and worst case scenarios. It's such a difficult place to be. If I knew that Kirill was never coming home, I could fully grieve the loss and move forward through the pain. Or, if I knew for sure he was coming home, I could wait in joyful expectation. However, I know nothing of what the future holds. Only God knows. And while that thought comforts, it doesn't take away the pain of the here and now. And while we are suspended, life moves forward... came...and it was harder than I thought. I had decorated for Easter right around Valentine's Day. You know how when you decorate for a holiday and before you know it, the holiday is over and it seems like no time as passed until you're taking down the decorations? Well, I wanted to get my Easter decorations up as early as possible for that reason...because by the time it was time to take them down, I thought Kirill would be home! I love Easter for so many reasons. Of course I love it because of Christ's resurrection. I also love it because of the symbolism of new life and new creation. I love the spring. I love renewal. All of these things were going to be even more meaningful because of Kirill.

Then court happened.

I thought I could handle Easter. I thought I was ready for the tidal wave. I bought Easter treats for Clayton. I made plans for Easter lunch and an egg hunt. I was going to celebrate Jesus' resurrection despite our sadness. But I couldn't. And I didn't. Instead, we sent Clayton to church with friends and I spent the day in my closet floor, clinging to Greg, crying out to God and letting all of the pent up emotion out. It wasn't pretty. But it was necessary.

But the dates kept coming. The very next Sunday would be Kirill's 5th birthday. Greg and I prayed in preparation for the date. We knew it would be HARD. Harder than Easter. We prayed for strength. We prayed for distraction. We prayed for it to be a better day than Easter Sunday.

Clayton's birthday is also in May, just 11 days after Kirill's. He had asked to have his party on Kirill's birthday. In his 5-year-old mind, he and Kirill are "twins". He keeps saying that they are twins because they are both born in May and they are "just my same age" as he says. It's so cute how he says it..."We are adopting a brother and he's going to be just my same age!" So I couldn't say no to him when he asked to have his party on May 1st! We decided we would turn a day of sadness into a day of celebration.

Then the tornadoes hit. April 27th. I was in my office, which was approximately 200 yards from some of the worst devastation. I saw things I cannot unsee and heard things I cannot unhear. Physically and materially, we lost nothing...except cable and Internet for a few days...but our city was forever changed. Many people were without the most basic of needs. We busied ourselves with caring for others. May 1st was the Sunday after the tornado, so we called off the birthday party. We spent the day with a family who lost everything. Literally. They couldn't even find a piece of paper with an address to prove their residence in the debris that was their home. It put everything into perspective for us.

Life is unpredictable.

It can be gone in a second.

We will trust God. We will live for him alone. We will trust not in our own understanding.

And a week later, as Mother's Day approached, I did not dread it. I had a fantastic day. I know that God is sitll God. I know that I am going to be the mother of Kirill one way or another. I will see him in Heaven no matter what happens on this Earth. Whether or not he comes to be a part of our earthly family, he's a part of our family for eternity. I thanked God yesterday for his birth mother, who we learned so much about in our court proceedings. I prayed for her and the hole that she must have in her heart after giving up a child. I prayed for her to have peace and for her to know in her heart that Kirill is loved more than he will ever know. That he is being pursued by a family who wants him so badly and who has the ability to give him a wonderful life. That we will not give up until we have exhausted all of the avenues afforded to us by his country to adopt him.

We have made it through some tough dates lately. We also know that there will be more. Namely, May 24th when we appear before the Supreme Court in Moscow. I humbly ask you to pray for us as we make our final preparations for court.

Isaiah 43:2
  When you go through deep waters,
      I will be with you.
   When you go through rivers of difficulty,
      you will not drown.
   When you walk through the fire of oppression,
      you will not be burned up;
      the flames will not consume you.

Joshua 1:9
 This is my command—be strong and courageous!
     Do not be afraid or discouraged.
     For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Mother's Day 2011
Wishing Kirill was here to complete our family photo; hoping he will be here soon!


  1. So beautifully said, and so completely true! Thank you for sharing and we are absolutely praying for your family and the upcoming dates. By His Grace!

  2. As I sat in the funeral of our little God-daughter on Saturday a lovely woman behind me put her hand on my shoulder as I sobbed and said simply "God knows best". I have to believe that these tough times are for His glory and a great purpose. Your family is ALWAYS in on my heart and in my prayers.

    Brooke Annessa

  3. Tesney - I am keeping you close in my prayers. Know that when the time comes closer - I will be yelling as loud as my lungs can go that the waters would be parted and that Kirill would be in your arms. I long for that day. I have longed for you for over a year to have that boy in your arms. My heart is breaking with you. I am grateful that Mother's day was good for you. It was a harsh day for us as we watched Rob's dad die suddenly. It warms my heart to read today that God was tender in your heart yesterday.

  4. Praying for you all....your court date is on our calendar!!!
    Praise God for the strength He gives....We will continue to pray that His grace overwhelms you as you move through these upcoming weeks...
    Much love,
    the Weiman family

  5. Tesney, thank you for sharing in honest faith. God bless you.

  6. You have an amazing family and amazing faith. I fully believe that God is and will cotinue to be glorified in this. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

  7. Wow, Tesney. I cannot even imagine. My heart continues to stay wrapped up in your story. May God continue to give you strength and may He be glorified. He is pleased with you.

  8. Tesney, your strength, faithfulness, and perserverance are a shining example of God's grace and glory. I pray for Kirill and your family everyday, your family is not far from my mind. Hugs!!

  9. I don't know you. I have just heard your story, prayed with friends for your family, and talked about how as adoptive mother's we cannot imagine what you are feeling. I am praying hard for you and with you.

  10. my love and prayers are with you all xxx

  11. I also have been overwhelmed by dates over the last few weeks and I am not even in the middle of a court battl. It seems ironic the devestaion of the tornado would come so closely behind Easter. Although blessed we only had a tree fall on our fence and that we live in a great neighborhood that really pulled together through the power outage I see damage all around me. I guess it made me feel guilty to celebrate a wedding anniversary then Mother's Day this past week. A neighbor pointed out that the tree that fell had shallow roots for such a large tree & that it was a great example to show that only those with deep roots in their faith will stand against the trials we face. I also thought of God's light shining through even the darkness as we were able to see the stars at night in a way we have never been able to view them before within the city limit. I find peace that God finds these little ways to remind doubtful me that He is there all the time...just continue to lean on Him.

  12. Your family is in our prayers and we are so hoping to hear good news coming very soon!!! We too live in N. Alabama and the tornado's that came through our area were devastating fortunately our family was spared other than no power for 5+ days. So thankful your family is safe as well!!! Praying, praying, praying for Kirill to come home very very soon.

  13. We will continue to pray. My heart is full for you guys. I have never done well with "in between", but know that you are glorifying God when you are sharing your hearts and your fight for this beautiful boy, your son. Again, praying...

  14. I don't know you personally, but you are my sister in Christ. I have been following your blog since I heard the news you had to come home without your baby. My husband and I too are adopting. I wanted to tell you that I am praying for you, your family and your precious baby Krill. May God be glorified!!!


  15. You, Kirill, the judge and everyone else involved will continue to be in my prayers, especially as the court date comes.

    God bless,

  16. Praying for you and your Kirill... God be with you this week and in your meetings. May God's favor be on you and may goodness and mercy follow you all the days of your life. Tammy

  17. Praying as you get closer to the court date.

  18. I'm sorry for the pain you are going through and all the uncertainty. God will go before you and many are praying for your family, including us. Your court date is on our daughter Annabelle's 7th birthday :)
    God bless you and keep you!
    love, the Adamsons

  19. Praying continually for your beautiful family! Praying your sweet boy home!! I think the 24th will be a day of fasting & prayer for your family and our friends. They are fighting for their daughter they've been fostering for 18 months. The 24th is also a huge court day for them. PRAYING! Many blessing!!!

  20. We know a little of what you are going through today as we are going to court in the Ukraine. We will be praying for the Davis family and Kirill. We found encouragement in Prov 23:10-11.
    the Hartmans