Wednesday, September 4, 2013

There's No Handbook

I read this post by Jen Hatmaker yesterday and it resonated loudly with me and about eleventy billion other adoptive moms judging from my FB newsfeed. I love it when people are real and honest. I love it when they don't just blog about what a joy every bless-ed little thing is and admit that life often kicks their butts. 

I've had all these thoughts rolling around in my head for a while but I didn't really want to let them come out because I didn't want to scare people away from adoption. But I think it's more important to be honest because I know there MUST be others out there in the same boat. I'm here today to tell you that over two years into our adoption of Kirill, we are still barely day-to-day surviving. Yep, you read that right. Life is not what it appears on my Instagram account. You heard it here...first-hand.

Wanna know what real life looks like in the Davis fam? Here's a precious story for you...

Saturday night we watched the Alabama game with friends. Going to friends' houses with Kirill is stressful. No matter how welcoming and gracious the environment, it's still impossible to relax because of every single thing Kirill does Kirill's water obsession. We never know when he's going to wander off to the bathroom, strip naked, run water, and (if we're really lucky) poop in their tub. Or he might decide to walk around the house and dump every beverage onto himself and the floor. Or my personal favorite, he might dump water all over someone else because he loves the way it feels, so why wouldn't everyone like that feeling? 

Anyway, I took Kirill outside at halftime in hopes that he might burn off some energy, come inside, & watch a movie, so we could actually watch the second half of the game. Of course as soon as we went outside, the sprinklers came on and he made a beeline for them because...duh...it's water. Before I could catch him he was sitting on top of a sprinkler head, completely soaked, laughing hysterically. This resulted in Greg and I getting into an argument and leaving early. There's a lot of stuff I'm leaving out here, but just know that we have pretty gracious friends who love us in spite of how we behave around them. 

After we got home, put the kids to bed, and talked things out, Greg said the most profound thing. THERE'S NO HANDBOOK. Now I realize there's the Bible...and it's the handbook for life...but you know what I mean. There's no Karen Purvis-authored handbook outlining how to parent a post-institutionalized child from another country with Down Syndrome. There's nothing like that out there for us folks. I can assure you, I've done my research. I'd love to put together something for us...but I don't have time or energy because I'm cleaning poop out of bathtubs and trying NOT to turn to crack cocaine to make it through the day (this is sarcasm...please don't call CPS). 

I can't believe there's an Idiot's Guide to Adoption y'all.
One of my dear friends just moved to Tuscaloosa. She's one of the few people in my life that I feel this unexplainable spiritual connection with...she totally "gets" me and all my crazy. So on Sunday, I went over to   help her unpack   escape the asylum   sit on her couch and drink iced coffee for three hours. During that time, we start talking about life since Kirill came home. She looked and me and said, "Is there anyone that has gone through what you've gone through with Kirill? I mean, is there anyone that has adopted a child like him that you can just call or talk to when you need it?" It hit me...no, there is not. 

If I'm being completely honest, these last two years have been lonely. I'd love to be able to call up a fellow adoptive mom and discuss how to parent my child. But I have no idea who I would call. It's not that other families haven't adopted children with complex special needs from hard places. I just don't hear a lot of them talking frankly about their struggles. Or if they do, they live in a land far, far away (like Kansas) and I can't just pop over to Starbucks and chat with them. Or maybe even if they lived right next door, we'd both be too busy cleaning poop to ever get away.

I know I'm not alone. So I want you to hear me right now. If you've adopted a child from a hard place with complex special needs...and you're wondering if it will EVER get better...YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I understand that it feels super duper lonely. It stinks that there's no Karen Purvis book for us. But, I still have hope. I still trust that God is sovereign in our lives and he's not left us alone. And we ARE surviving...even if it's barely surviving with thoughts of turning to crack cocaine (again, sarcasm...please do not call CPS). And maybe, someday, when our kids learn that poop belongs in the potty, we can write that handbook together. 

19 comments:

  1. Wow, you must have adopted Theo's twin! Just the other night, after a nice bath and getting fluffy clean Jammie's on, he slipped into the bathroom unseen and I'm not sure you need more information than that. Three years home and life with Theo is hard, but sooo worth it!

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    1. Yes! Definitely worth it...but hard...and lonely at times. I keep saying, "It's the hardest best thing we've ever done." :)

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  2. I just thought I'd let you know - it does get easier. Or rather, you will learn how to better adapt to situations. I adopted a child 17 years ago that had special needs (only the physical ones known at that time), and there were times that I questioned whether we should disrupt the adoption. The screaming at bedtime, banging the crib on the floor, pooping in the tub, refusing to eat anything (and I mean NOTHING else) other than oatmeal and beans/hotdogs. Then the autism/ADHD/anxiety/ODD was discovered/diagnosed... I say this not to one-up you, but to just let you know that my child is now 19, and has thrived beyond what was expected. And I am not exhausted (most of the time), and he is happy.

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    1. THANK YOU!!! It helps me so much to hear stories like this!!!

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  3. wow! this blog post could not have had better timing! I am a bio mom, an adoptive mom, and a foster mom. I have been feeling so isolated from my family, my friends and even my church because PEOPLE JUST DONT GET IT! I cant always make my kids behave the way other "christian moms" see fit--- they are not "normal" kids... they have seen and experienced things beyond their years and have their fair share of issues. I never thought I would miss my "moms groups" and "play dates" but, when you have 7 kids (most of which have some sort of behavioral/devlopmental/emotional issue)you kind of just end up on your own in stepping up for these little loves. So, thank you again for your honesty and encouragement! You are a blessing!!!

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    1. Michelle...yes...they're totally worth it...even the isolation! I think church has been the hardest place for us to find a home. It's sad, but kids with special needs usually don't fit into the children's ministry box very well. I'm not saying that because I'm bitter. I just want to see that change in the years to come! :) I really hope those of us with kids with SN can find the energy and time to start helping our churches minister to adults, children, and families with special needs!

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  4. Praying for you, hoping things get better slowly but surely!

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    1. Thank you...we believe slow and steady will eventually win. :)

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  5. Thanks, Tesney. I logged on to write a post of my own in the same vain, but saw yours and realized I don't have to! ;) We are only 8 months home. Bo was actually in foster care in his country but raised as a feral child and treated as a pet. He is four, but socially responds more like an infant, and problem solves like a toddler. Poop painting, plate slinging, cup clearing, and hair pulling are big issues here. Very, VERY lonely.

    We have another 4 yo with Ds but they are so completely different...not really comparable in any way. Anyway, I hear ya. If you ever find yourself in Indianapolis, Starbucks is on me!

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  6. Great post! We're all out here helping each other. None of us has the answers but together we can make it! Some of us embrace the title "trauma mamas"-not sure who's been traumatized, the kids or us, or both! It's been six years since our first came home, 4 since the second. My online adoption community rocks! We do have a local SN support group, but schedules prevent us from going to the meetings most of the time too!

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  7. Tes & Greg, if u need us we r here.. Mom and Dad

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  8. I am with you as well. I have two bios and two adopted. Both adopted kids have physical issues. One however also has major, major emotional and behavioral issues. No book, and for me not even anyone else with a kid just like mine. We are 7 years into this (dealing with puberty now too, so much fun) It's still hard, some things are easier, but there are still days when I just want to go back to bed and hide under the covers. I get my support from my online adoption friends. Though my husband does make sure I get to go see them once a year. So mostly I count down till March when I can see my friends who get it. Until then, I just do one day at a time.

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  9. I do not have a child with special physical needs, but I have one other special needs. He was 10.5 when we adopted him from Ukraine, he was the prince of the orphanage (a really nice place if you can believe they exist). He is 15.5 now and let me tell you until last spring felt the same as you. He was manipulative, cheated and bullied at school, hurtful to his family. If you can name it, he tried it. We have to watch him very carefully with his younger siblings,-I mean all the time. I have monitors in the others' rooms to hear if he gets in there. He is a little better now. But I sure felt and still sometimes feel exactly what you feel! God Bless, Cara

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  10. Aw sweets. I didn't see this til today. I know I'm not "there" but I pray you KNOW that you could call me and be whoever you wanna be -- yelling, screaming, crying or laughing hysterically. I love you... xxoo

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  11. Hugs and prayers - it is so isolating and so hard. It in no way takes away from the true blessing of adoption - (even the days I think we made the biggest mistake of our life). God has graced us with new friends who love our kids for their differences and the specialness of their souls. Just like Kirill God made it abundantly clear that Cav was ours I think mostly to sustain me on the tough days!! And atleast your poop was contained to a slick surface rather than the carpet blech!!

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  12. Oh - me too, me too! We live in the northwest - wehere are you???

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  13. Wow! Tesney! I just found your blog...so wish I knew you a little better. We live south of Tuscaloosa in Marengo County and have adopted 4 children through the years (2 bio.) I do not have a child with Down's syndrome, but both of my younger children had way more complicated issues than we were led to believe. Our son from Russia has been with us 10 years now, but still has to take lots of medication, see a psychiatrist and is still a serious behavior problem a lot of the time. Our daughter from China was terribly neglected and abused. She has a borderline IQ, auditory processing disorder, learning disabilities, sensory processing issues, attachment disorder and who knows what else? We thought we were getting a normal 3 year old with nothing other than HepB. I really hit rock bottom after she came home... Joined a yahoogroup that was active then for Moms with post-adoption depression, and started one of my own for families that unwittingly adopted children who had been terribly neglected and abused. Both of those have died out now. I don't claim to have all the answers (or any answers for that matter.) But I would love to talk to you! I actually saw you one day at Target, but I hate to be assaulted by people while I am shopping...just because we stand out more than your average family...and so I didn't speak. Now I am sorry that I didn't. Maybe we were both there for a reason.
    Amy Rankin
    aandjrankin@hotmail.com
    3three4 three7five 37eight7

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    1. Amy!!! You should have stopped me! I would love to meet you. Let's connect. Are you on FB?

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