A Series of Unfortunate Events

One of the things that I'm most afraid of in this adoption process is that our story is going to be a discouragement to other families considering adoption. Our adoption has been extremely arduous, this is true. But I want you to understand something; I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I want to take some time to explain WHY our process has been so difficult. We sometimes joke, between our tears, that it has been "a series of unfortunate events."

First of all, our adoption is NOT typical for Eastern European adoptions. Most EE adoptions, from start to finish, take about 8-12 months. We are on month 19. If you've been following our journey from the beginning, you already understand all of the ups and downs that we've experienced. If you are new to this blog, I want to take this post to explain our unique experience and why our adoption has been anything BUT typical.

In the summer of 2009, we committed to adopt a little 2-year-old boy named Sergey from the same country as Kirill (whom we are currently adopting). Our homestudy was completed in a couple of months and we completed our dossier by Christmas. It was submitted to our country and we anticipated we would travel sometime in January 2010.

Days and weeks passed and I began to worry. I was reassured by our adoption agency that everything was fine and we would receive our travel date "any day now." However, I knew something was up after February came and went and still no travel date. On March 16, 2010, I received a phone call while running errands. I will never forget where I was or the words from our social worker, "We have received devastating news about little Sergey." Basically everything after that was a blur, but I heard enough to know that Sergey wasn't going to be ours. He never should have been listed on his country's registry of orphans because all of his family members had not been notified of his orphaned status. When the Minister of Education discovered this error, he contacted the family members who decided to adopt Sergey. This was probably one of the worst days of my life. I just couldn't understand how such a terrible mistake could happen. However, God revealed many things to us through this experience. We are adopting because we are following what we believe is God's command to care for orphans. Our goal is to help solve the orphan crisis by adopting a child and hopefully inspiring others to adopt. We feel that because of our interest in Sergey, his family members were notified and he is now one less orphan. We choose to look at this situation as a blessing because through our adoption process, there will be two children in homes, out of orphanages, and with loving families.

We took some time to grieve the loss of our hopes and dreams to make Sergey a part of our family. We knew we still wanted to adopt a little boy with Down Syndrome, but we had no idea of where to begin as far as choosing another child. We knew we didn't want to change agencies or countries because a) we were very happy with our adoption agency and b) we didn't want to have to redo all of our paperwork, which would result in a loss of time and money. Our adoption agency works in more than one region of the country Sergey was from, so we asked them to help us identify a child. They gave us several names and photos of children, but we really only considered one...a four-year-old boy named Kirill. It's a long story that you can read about HERE, but Kirill was just supposed to be ours and we knew it right away.  So we committed to adopt Kirill and began making the necessary changes to our dossier due to K being in a different region and being a different age. This was the first round of redoing paperwork...there would be many, many more. The main things we had to do: update our homestudy to reflect our desire for and ability to parent an older child AND update our USCIS approval for an older child. This paperwork was done rather quickly and we had re-submitted our dossier to Kirill's region by mid-April.

But mid-April was the same month that Torry Hansen decided to send her adopted child back to Eastern Europe, all alone, on a plane, because she couldn't parent him. Now I want to take an opportunity here to clarify something that has been bothering me for a long, long time. The Torry Hansen case makes me extremely angry. Her careless actions have caused many, many children to remain in orphanages when they could be home with their families. Does this mean I don't empathize her? Absolutely not. I totally get that she was probably overwhelmed and felt desperate. I have worked with families in my professional life, and I also have personal connections to families who have had to dissolve their adoptions. It is a hellish thing to go through, there is no doubt. However, I WILL NEVER CONDONE CHILD ABANDONMENT AS JUSTIFIABLE. What she did was WRONG. Period. There is never an excuse to abandon a child. If you disagree, that's your opinion. I have a very different one. There are measures that adoptive parents can take to dissolve an adoption. Ms. Hansen did absolutely nothing to try to follow the procedures for dissolving an adoption. She did not disclose to ANYONE that she was having difficulty with her child. In fact, when follow-up visits were done by the social worker, Ms. Hansen did not report any problems at all. There are many other details of the case that I won't go into because it really doesn't pertain to this post. I'm sorry I'm off on a tangent, but I just want people to understand that it's o.k. to be angry with someone for doing something so wrong. You can still love them and pray for them, but you do not have to condone their actions. I've had several people try to tell me that she had her reasons and as Christians we should be understanding of her and not be angry with her. I disagree. I think Christ got angry when he was on earth and saw injustice, sin, and mistreatment of children. I think it's o.k. if that makes us angry. Do I hate Torry Hansen? Absolutely not. I am hopeful that she is getting the help she so desperately needs. Am I angry at her actions and the pain it has caused the families and children whose adoptions have been halted because of her? Absolutely. Do I think Satan used her to his advantage? Absolutely.

Back to the story...so the Torry Hansen situation caused adoptions to come to a screeching halt. We were told that it might me months before adoptions resumed and we would be able to travel to meet Kirill. It was a 1-2 punch to the gut to get that news so soon after we lost Sergey. I just couldn't believe it was happening.

There was so much confusion during this time.  We really weren't sure what was going on with adoptions in K's country because there were so many conflicting reports coming from the media.  Our adoption agency really couldn't give us much information because they didn't know anything for certain. So we waited...

As we waited we started to hear that other regions were moving and processing adoptions, but not ours. Finally, in July 2010, we got a phone call that we would be traveling in August to meet Kirill and accept our referral. Finally! We were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...or so we thought.

While we were in country, we were told that the judge in our region was not issuing new court dates. The U.S. and K's country had been working on a treaty regarding intercountry adoptions. Until that treaty was signed an official, our judge didn't feel comfortable issuing court dates. However, we were also told that our judge would be going to a meeting of the supreme court and that she might change her mind after that meeting. We left not knowing when we would return, but we knew it probably wouldn't be as soon as we had originally thought.

Our agency remained hopeful that the judge would change her mind and we would have K home by Christmas. So they advised us to go ahead and get the necessary paperwork and medicals for our second trip. This was expensive and we knew the documents would expire in three months. We hoped to be back in country before they expired. However, the days and weeks came and went and we were finally notified that our judge was not going to change her mind. Another story had broken about a family abusing their adopted children, all of whom were from K's country. This time the story was even more horrific. The three teenage girls were tortured by their adoptive parents. This story caused our judge to remain firm in her decision. There are other reasons that played into her decision, we were told. These reasons made sense and even though we felt defeated, we kind of understood the judge's hesitation to process adoptions. So we did all we could do...prayed and prayed and prayed..

Then in December we received wonderful news that our judge had decided to go ahead with adoptions and start issuing court dates again. We were beyond ecstatic. We scurried to get the paperwork, which had expired by this time, redone and sent to our judge. God had answered our prayer, but Satan was waiting to mess it all up again. There were more paperwork issues and I won't go into detail, but it delayed getting our court date again.

That brings us to the present. Now we have received word that our facilitator will meet with the judge this coming Wednesday to ask her for a court date for us. This meeting is so important. I don't think I can stress enough how much we need prayers. My friend Ashley has written an excellent post on her blog with more details. I'm not going to re-invent the wheel since she has written about it already, but I would encourage you to hop on over to her blog HERE and read about the imminent need for prayers.

I want to leave you with a verse that has become my strength over the last few days. It is Psalm 112:6-8:


⁶ Surely the righteous will never be shaken;
   they will be remembered forever.
⁷ They will have no fear of bad news;
   their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
⁸ Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear;
   in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.

5 Months Later

If you've been following our adoption journey from the beginning, you've probably noticed lots of ebbs and flows on this blog. Adoption tends to be a series of excrutiating wait time followed by periods of frantic activity followed by more waiting followed by more waiting...and on and on it goes. So somewhere in the waiting/frantic cycle, I totally forgot to chronicle the rest of our trip to meet Kirill back in August. I'm only 5 months late. In adoption time, that translates to roughly a week and a half. Good thing I'm functioning on adoption time.

To pick up where I left off in this post, we left Moscow at 6 p.m. on an overnight train bound for the Eastern European city where K lives. Moscow is the closest airport to this city, which isn't saying much since we had to take LONG train ride to get there after we left Moscow. We were picked up the next day by our facilitator, Marina, and our interpreter, Elena. They were both LOVELY women that we really grew to love over the next few days.

As they drove us to our hotel, Marina began to explain our itenerary for the next few days. I have to insert here that I was SO NERVOUS at this point. It's just so surreal to be in a car with complete strangers (at the time), trusting them to navigate your life for the next few days. It was a HUGE test of my faith and my reluctance to give up control. We were completely at the mercy of stangers and were 100% reliant on them to tell us what to do, where to go, what to eat, etc. The only thing I could remotely relate it to is being blind. I'm not trying to compare what we experienced to something as profound as blindness, but I'm just trying to somehow convey how we were so dependent on God at this point because we had absolutely no way to communicate or understand the culture without these women. We just had to let go completely and trust that God was working through them.

As Marina was explaining what we would be doing for the rest of the day, she inserted that our train was late and we would need to go straight to the Minister of Science and Education's office without cleaning up at the hotel. So we literally dropped our bags at the hotel and headed to a very formal government building. To say we were disgusting is an understatement. We had been riding on a smoky (people smoke everywhere in EE...inside, outside, on trains, in hotels...there's no such thing as a "no smoking" section...plus the forrest fires had covered all of Moscow and the outlying areas in a thick blanket of smoke) train all night after spending a day walking around Moscow the day before. We had not showered since the morning before and by the time we got to the orphanage it was late afternoon. Talk about greasy...it took me back to the semester I spend in Europe in college. We backpacked and wouldn't shower for like 6 days at a time...but we weren't trying to prove that we were fit parents back then either.

We met with the Minister of Science and Education to sign a form stating our intent to visit with K and review his referral. She was such a pleasant lady. She asked us some tough questions about why we wanted to adopt a child with special needs. But I could tell that she was in our corner and wanted to see K go to a family. She even had his picture on a bulletin board in her office. She explained to us that she keeps photos of all the children in the process of adoption on that board and is happy when they are placed with their families. I thought that spoke volumes about her heart. As we left, she said, "I think you will be wonderful parents to K and I wish you the best." We left from her office and went straight to the orphanage to meet K.

Driving to the orphanage took about an hour and a half by car from the city. We drove on paved roads most of the time but about ten miles from the orphanage we turned onto a dirt road which took us to a very secluded area in the woods. Literally...in. the. woods. That was where the orphanage was located, deep in the woods...very secluded. So we pull up to the orphanage. I'm going to probably just tell you the facts here and leave out emotion since this blog is public. The orphanage was a group of three buildings. One building was where the children lived. The other building looked like some sort of storage facility or something like that. One building looked abandoned.

When we pulled up there were about twenty children playing outside. One of them, a little girl, ran up to Greg and put her arms up for him to hold her. He picked her up and she squealed with delight. She was so thin and frail. I also took a turn holding her. The orphanage workers came and took her as they shooed the children inside. It's not acceptable to see or photograph the other children, so the workers were following the rules and trying to keep us from seeing the other children. Still, we were so haunted by those faces that we did see. I can't really put it into words. I kept telling Greg they looked like ghost children. Their skin was almost transparent and they were all very small and frail with hollow eyes. I could go into more detail, but quite frankly it's painful and I just can't do it because my son is still there and will continue to be one of those children until we go back to adopt him.

We were ushered into the orphanage director's office. He was a very gentle and kind man. We were allowed to ask questions and he also was allowed to ask us a few questions. We were told that K had just been transferred to this orphanage from a baby orphanage. This orphanage was for 4-18 year-old children with special needs. That is how much we DIDN'T know coming into this trip. We didn't even know the name of the orphanage or where it was located. We had no idea that K had been transferred to an older child orphanage. We thought he was still at the baby house. So this was kind of shocking to us. Still, we just took it in stride and continued our visit with the staff. After a few minutes, the social worker came in and we were allowed to ask her questions. She knew more about K than the director because she had more contact with the children on a day-to-day basis. Then the medical director came in and she answered medical questions. As a part of her questioning, she read us the document that K's parents had to fill out to relinquish custody and declare him an orphan. There are no words for what that did to my heart. I truly felt for his parents; to them there was no other choice but to give up their son. I also felt an overwhelming gratitude to them for giving us such a precious gift. It's a very strange and emotional experience to hear their words read aloud.

As we met with these people, I could tell they were somewhat leery of us. However, by the end of our time together, I really felt comfortable with them and I think we were able to explain to them why we wanted to adopt a child with special needs. We left the director's office and the social worker took us to a room where we would be visiting with K. She left us there while she went to get K. We could hear the social worker and K's caregiver coming up the stairs with him and the first time I laid eyes on him...oh my word. I'm in tears just typing this. I cannot tell you what it was like watching this tiny boy walk up the stairs toward us. The boy I'd seen for months in pictures and imagined in my mind was now in front of me in person. It was surreal.

As he toddled toward us, he head-planted into a corner of the wall. He started screaming immediately and my heart broke. I was thinking, "great, his first meeting with us and he's traumatized!" But his caregiver consoled him and he recovered pretty quickly. I tried not to snatch him up because I didn't want to startle him. It took all the restraint I had, but Greg and I both let him just explore the room and stayed very close to him until he got used to us. We would touch him gently or pick him up for short moments, but we didn't want to smother him because we knew we were strangers to him. At one point, I was taking pictures and Greg was videoing. This is the moment that I will cherish forever. I'm so glad Greg captured it on video. I'll let the video speak for itself.

That's where I'll close for now. I'm sure you're tired of reading and I'm certainly tired of typing. Plus, putting this all out of my head onto paper is really emotionally draining. It forces me to think about K and about the fact that it's been five long months since I saw his precious face, stroked his buzzed little head, and kissed his sweet little cheeks. At times it feels like my heart will literally crack into pieces so I avoid thinking about it a lot in order to cope. When I'm dying inside, I have to remember Christ and the pain he endured to adopt me. Getting up every morning is only possible through my Lord. Thank God he paved the way for me on this journey.

The First Trip-Part 1

Hotel Lobby

Our guide, Dima

Outside of St. Basil's

I want to remember as much as possible about this trip, so bear with me as I may be a little wordy (not unusual for me anyway). I guess the best way to document our trip to meet Kirill is to divide it up into parts. Otherwise, this post could take longer to read that the trip itself. So this post is dedicated to the first leg of our trip.

We left Tuscaloosa around three o'clock on Friday afternoon headed for Atlanta, where we flew out of on Saturday morning. We had planned to leave around noon but it just seemed like all the last minute details were taking forever and we had to get some paperwork together for our adoption agency that they were wanting for our second trip. It wasn't necessary that we get the paperwork done before we left, but "preferable" so we wanted to go ahead and take care of it. So anyway, I was a stressball (of course) and when we finally got into the vehicle I couldn't stop worrying that we had forgotten something very important. We hadn't, but I couldn't shake the feeling.

When we got to Atlanta, we decided to go eat for our anniversary since we would be on an overnight train the night of our actual anniversary (the 12th). We ate at the Atlanta Fish Market and then headed to the hotel to try to get some sleep. We both tossed and turned a good bit; Greg didn't sleep at all.

Next morning, we headed to the airport bright and early. Our flight didn't leave till 10, but we left the hotel at 8 to give ourselves plenty of time. Glad we did because we got all the way to the airport and I remembered that I left my insulin in the fridge in the hotel room. Fantastic. We had to go all the way back to the hotel, but still had time to spare after we checked in at the airport. Emergency diverted.

Our flight to D.C. and to Eastern Europe were both uneventful. One thing we learned; it pays to make friends with the stewards on long flights. Our steward was a huge African American guy who looked like he could play football at Bama. Greg was convinced he was an air marshall. Regardless, we shared our story with him and talked to him a lot about his family and he totally hooked us up the rest of the flight with whatever we needed including things we should have had to pay for like drinks and snacks.

I popped some Xanex and was out for the entire flight. Gracious, I love that stuff when I'm flying. I didn't feel a single air pocket. We arrived in Eastern Europe at 11:30 a.m. and we were greeted at the airport by smoke and heat. It was 90 degrees and the fires around the city had filled the city with smoke. It was inside the buildings and hard to get away from; especially in buildings with no a/c. We headed to customs and learned the system very quickly there; elbow your way to the front, no need for lines, just look out for number one and don't worry about the other guy. We made it through and headed to baggage where we would meet our guide, Dima.

Dima introduced us to driving in Eastern Europe. Basically, they drive as fast as they can and like absolute maniacs. If you have been to NYC or European countries, you may think they drive crazy there. Well, it's NOTHING compared to EE. We were told to expect this before we left, but I was all, "yeah, yeah...I've traveled a lot....seen crazy traffic...it's probably no worse than Europe." Well it is worse...about ten thousand times worse and the drivers would just as soon run over you as to look at you.

We made it to our hotel, where Dima gave us a quick city tutorial and dropped us off. Our hotel was exquisite. I don't think I have ever stayed anywhere so fancy! It was so nice to be able to relax in an American-style hotel when we first arrived. I don't like to be a spoiled American traveler and I feel like I have a pretty adventurous attitude about travel, but with all the nerves and emotions tied into this trip, it was comforting to have a place that felt a little like home. Well, not really like home because we don't live in a palace, but the room was like American hotel rooms...very, very nice American hotel rooms.

We tried to fight sleep but ended up taking a short nap at the hotel before venturing out for the evening. After our rest, we went to Red Square. There we saw St. Basil's Cathedral, which is just as amazing as the pictures. It was breathtaking to see Red Square and all of the beautiful architecture. Check that off the bucket list.

We also visited GUM (pronounced "goom"), which is a ginormous mall. There we went to a really fancy grocery store...similar to the one in Harold's if you have ever been to NYC...and bought some groceries because we were starving but didn't really know where to eat for dinner.

The next morning we headed to Arbat Street, which is full of touristy shops and restaurants. I was dying for coffee so we stopped at Dunkin Donuts, and totally broke our "no American chain restaurants in foreign countries" rule. Oh well, I had to have some coffee or my head would be splitting by lunch...and an eclair just for good measure. We ate lunch at a place Dima suggested called MyMy (pronounced "moo moo"). The food was traditional food and everything we ordered was quite good.

We spent the rest of the day at Christ Cathedral and Red Square. It was so surreal to see these places in person. It was also surreal to see all the booties hanging out of girls shorts. Wow, the girls in the city are scantily clad to say the least. It didn't help that they were having a heat wave so girls were walking around in less than bathing suits. Another thing I couldn't help but notice was underwear is optional. In fact, it is preferred to NOT wear it, I believe. And make sure that if you don't wear it, your over shirt is some sort of see-though material. Mesh shirts for men are very en vogue; best not let the ladies have all the fun!

After a day of walking miles and wearing ourselves completely out, it was time to go to Kirill's region via overnight train. Dima picked us up at our hotel around 6:45 a.m. and that started the second part of our journey to meet Kirill.

Next Time There Will be Pictures

I really hate blog posts without pictures. Even if I have to look up some random clip art to include with a post, I have to put a picture with my words. Well, this time I'm not going to do that. Instead, I'm going to do a picture-less post in anticipation of posting NEW pictures of our sweet Kirill that WE will take IN PERSON in just a few days.

Here are my last minute thoughts/notes before we leave:

We leave tomorrow for Atlanta where we will spend the night. Plane tickets out of Atlanta were cheaper, plus we will only have one layover vs. two if we flew out of Birmingham. Paying for a night in a hotel is still cheaper than flying out of Birmingham plus paying long-term parking (we can leave our car at the hotel for free as a part of a "park and fly" deal we got).

I highly recommend our travel agency, Golden Rule. They have been outstanding. They provide excellent service for humanitarian, adoption, and missions travel. Our agent was wonderful and did a great job making all of our travel arrangements on very short notice for (literally) hundreds of dollars cheaper than any other airline, travel agency, or online travel site. Don't get me wrong, it still ain't cheap to fly to Eastern Europe! But it was much less with Golden Rule.

I've really been struggling with my emotions for the past couple of weeks. On one hand, I'm so excited to meet our sweet Kirill. However, knowing that we will leave him there for who knows how long breaks my heart. It has been so hard to be happy about this trip because of the anticipatory grief I feel about leaving Kirill. Bittersweet seems so inadequate to describe my feelings. It seems so strange to feel such polar opposite emotions all at once.

As for how long it will be between trips, we have no clue right now. The news from our agency regarding court dates has been slim to none. There is talk that the judge in our region has decided that she will not hear any adoption cases until the treaty between the U.S. and Kirill's country is signed, sealed, delivered and implemented. The could be weeks, it could be months, it could even be longer. I don't want to think about it at all because it just seems so daunting. The unknowns and the waiting are the worst parts of adoption. Can I get an amen from my adoption peeps???

If you are praying for us, these are the specific requests we have:

1. The judge will resume issuing court dates immediately and will not wait until the treaty is signed.

2. Our travel will go as smoothly as possible.

3. We will be able to show the love of Christ to the people we meet, whether it be in the airport, hotel, streets, orphanage...wherever we are we want to be Jesus to the people we meet.

4. My diabetes will BEHAVE while we travel. My blood sugars tend to go all wonky with travel; it's the nature of the disease. It can make travel extremely difficult. So please pray that it remains stable throughout our trip.

5. Our marriage...ha! Seriously, please pray for me and Greg to be patient and keep a good sense of humor as we travel.

Next post will be from Eastern Europe! Stay tuned for pictures!!!

Travel Date

I don't even know how to begin this post. We've been waiting for "the call" for so long that I really think I'd resigned myself to believe it wasn't ever going to happen. But it did! My phone rang yesterday at 1:27 p.m. It's funny how I know exactly what time it was. I was sitting at my desk at work and when I saw the number of our adoption agency pop up on our phone, I immediately looked at my clock to see what time it was for some reason. Anyway, that moment will be burned into my brain forever. I braced myself for bad news; I think it was almost a post-traumatic response to having received such horrible news about Sergey back in March. When I heard our social worker's voice, I almost expected to hear her say, "I'm so sorry Tesney, but I've got some devastating news." That was exactly what she said when she informed me about Sergey. So when she started telling me that she had tentative travel dates, I think I was so ecstatic that I didn't even hear anything past that.

After a few minutes of squealing on the inside, I tried to get my thoughts together and write down the important details. We will be traveling for one week in August. We have three days at the orphanage with Kirill. We have been so blessed to be in contact with two other families who have recently traveled to this region; to the very baby house where Kirill lives! So we do have a good idea of what to expect there. We have been very pleased to hear that the orphanage is one of the nicest orphanages in the region and the director is "a breath of fresh air." I couldn't be happier that our sweet Kirill has been given good care as far as we can tell.

We also got updated medical records-no surprises there-they seem to indicate that Kirill is pretty healthy. There are a couple of things that I'm just a tiny bit concerned about, but nothing that can't be addressed once we are back in the states. Anyone who has experience with international adoptions can tell you that medical records can be quite inaccurate and you never really know until you get the child back to the states for a thorough evaluation!

We also got the full-sized files of Kirill's pictures. We already had the pics...the ones we have shared here...but they were thumbnail-sized and didn't really show all of his features well. So here they are again so you can get a better look at how cute Kirill really is!

So we are frantically getting things ready to travel in just a few days!!! It's crazy how you go from wait, wait, wait to GO! GO! GO! when you adopt. We have felt that this day would never come, so now that it's here it feels surreal.